I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
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she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
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we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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