I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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