I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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