You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
