the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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