And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
