I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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