Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I think your dad took our porno
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
