Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
