I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
