I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
