my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My ATM looks so different sober.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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