He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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