I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
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Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
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My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
