Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
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