There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
