No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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