yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
