After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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