Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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