after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
