So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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