i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
