There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
