Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
