I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Drake has all the answers
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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