What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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