i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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