I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
