Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
