My friends, they love my intelligence
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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