I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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