As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
