Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
