i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
