i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
not ubering you a puppy
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
