i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
