if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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