Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
