don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
