Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
