Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
