Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
