I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
