the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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