I just threw up on my dentist
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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