There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
