booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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