I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
