a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
