Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My bed smells like the plague
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
