All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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