I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
