I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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